My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
