So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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