You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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