I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Randomize
