I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
