yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
