i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
