last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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