I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
