Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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