Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
