matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
