So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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