Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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