I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Found your dick twin last night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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