Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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