He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
