Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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