conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
