I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I could fuck to npr.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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