He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
