Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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