come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
