Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
