I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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