oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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