I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
