I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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