haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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