K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
