Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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