Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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