Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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