why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
