Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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