i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
