Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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