I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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