It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
