I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
