the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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