I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
