What tipped you off? The sombrero?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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