Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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