I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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