Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
