I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
