Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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