i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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