i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize