Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
