New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
