we have officially lost it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
