apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I am midnight drunk by noon
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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