She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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