omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize