Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize