Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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